I am proud to be a Filipino. The food, the holidays, hospitality, honesty, resilience, helping one another, family-first mentality, the jolliness and tito (uncle) jokes; to name a few things. There are many things I have learned from being raised in my family that I will one day pass down to my own children but the toxic tendencies that have been normalized and ingrained in Filipino culture will never be seen and experienced by them. I will make sure of it and the cycle will end here.
As a first generation Canadian and as a son of Filipino immigrants, my parents immigrated to Canada from a province in the Philippines called Pampanga in the early 1990s. I believe some of these experiences that I will be discussing shortly may be experienced in other Asian households as well — but for the sake of this piece I will be talking about my own personal experiences as part of a Filipino household. Perhaps this is me reaching out, however, I believe this is something many of my contemporaries around the world have experienced in some form or shape and would love to start a dialogue and discussion on this.
Gossiping and Spreading Rumours
This seems to be ingrained well into family get-togethers and parties. The idea that titas (aunts) especially bonding over talk about other family members or people that they know that aren’t present and spreading them. I have always hated this. What right do people have in prying in other peoples’ lives and spreading falsehood about them? What good does this lead to and what purpose does it serve? I never understood this lack of consideration for others, especially when parents in Filipino culture often act as the victim in certain situations and brand the child as the villain — more on this later.
Constant Comparison of Children to Others
I feel there is nothing wrong in wanting and being proud of your child for their accomplishments but sometimes this sense of pride turns into an unfriendly competition and constant comparisons which is toxic in itself. My sisters and I often felt pressure to be like my cousins or the children of our parents’ friends. When I was growing up in elementary school my grades were never good enough. I went to school with a family friend and constantly grades were brought up. It was constant talk about what they achieved on a test versus what I achieved; anything less than their scores was never good enough.
Constant comparisons often lead to stress, feelings of inadequacy, sadness — you get it. This was something I hated growing up and when I have children of my own one day, I will let them know: it is okay not to have the highest of scores, and that it is okay to come last in a competition. It does not matter what some else has achieved, I just want to know that they tried.
Spinning Insults as Care and Demanding Obedience
Tumaba ka — You’ve gained weight! Well, that’s the polite way to translate it, the more direct translation is: you got fat. The number of times I have heard this hurled at my sisters, me, my cousins and family friends by aunts, uncles, my parents, grandparents — you would think it was a catch phrase that needs to be said at every family gathering.
The irony is when you defend yourself or say something back in any capacity it is considered ‘sumasagot’ or talking back. You are expected to stay hush-hush and accept it like a precious gift to be thankful for. They spin it as just looking out for you and caring. This extends to many exchanges; your parents’ and older relatives’ opinions are always unapologetically right — your voice and opinion does not matter. In fact, it is demanded. That is what we grow up learning and it extends to other aspects of our lives like developing into a pushover or having a boss walk all over you.
I know better now; that respect should be earned and given in turn. You should not be sorry for voicing your opinion and truths. When I have my own children, I hope that they have the courage to correct me when I am wrong. I hope that they value their voice and speak up for what they believe in, not just to me, but to others and to fight for what they want. And I in turn promise to listen, to accept responsibility for my mistakes, apologizing when I am wrong and out of line, and to have an open and direct line of communication.
You Can Do it… ‘Kaya mo naman yan’ and Bottling Up
This line of thinking is applied in different ways.
There were many times when I struggled with my mental health and tried to reach out to my mother about my struggles especially towards the end of high school and the first two years of university. There were times where I would stay in my room for weeks at a time. The reply I often received was ‘you can do it’. There would be times when I would explain I wanted to take a break from school and it was met with anger as well, sometimes, it was recanted with and flipped into being about her own troubles with a co-worker and no real discussion at a solution. It often felt like it was better to stay quiet and deal with it internally.
It seems that — resilience — one of the traits that Filipinos are known for is a double-edged sword. It is a tool you can rely on when things get tough and it is something that can hurt you when you keep pressing for the wrong reasons.
It is not a secret that only recently has mental health been seriously discussed openly in the west and remains a taboo in Filipino culture to talk about and I hope that changes one day.
It seems normalized in our culture to ignore the concerns and feelings of children with ‘you can do it’. As if these concerns and feelings are an open wound that can magically be sealed shut with those four words. The cycle needs to end with us, it needs to be normalized to seek help and to talk about things openly and offering legitimate support instead of empty words.
Final Thoughts
There are many traits that we can talk about, but for me these were some of the things I experienced growing up in my Filipino household. I love being Filipino, but we the next generation need to be better and more compassionate. If you have experienced anything similar to this yourself, I am asking you to be compassionate to yourself. If you have held on to things like I have and internalized your problems it is okay to air them out and to talk about them. The cycle does not need to continue, we are capable of ending the cycle now, ending toxic traits and being better for future generations.